it was chilly the vapor that poured from his lungs reminded him of breath in the cold. he couldn’t remember the last time he could see his breath. seemed like it was all the time. in winter as a kid he could remember cold winters waiting in the outside hallways of his elementary school for the teacher to open the doors all the kids pretending to smoke — blowing out puffs of cold breath these days florida seemed to only get a day or two of cold weather a year. but he couldn’t remember the last time he could see his breath he checked his phone to see where the bus was it was no longer on the map how could a bus just disappear? it was just a couple of minutes away before he decided he would wait a few minutes. after all, a bus can’t just vanish, right? he had a flannel on under his denim jacket he felt might be a bit too many layers for the night

sure seems nice over there the grass is greener and the air is cleaner they all seem happier over there just across the water all their sons and daughters so debonaire if only they knew what was coming maybe they could have prepared see over here, it’s all concrete and factories as far as the eye can see we scorched the sky and blocked out the sun we ruin it for everyone we always have and the waters began to rise they had nothing to hold back the tides and all that green grass began to die

it hurts me when you leave me when you say you have to go but i get it i’m not whining i’m just pining for you so and there’s roaches in the kitchen and mold on the bathroom ceiling but you love me in the mornings and you love me every evening for some reason well i’m cleaning up my act gonna get this place put back together then lets find some place new better suited for this humid weather so five years from now we can look back in laughter at our shitty little roach infested mold garden apartment well it hurts me when you leave me when you say you have to go but i get it i’m not whining i’m just pining for you so and there’s roaches in the kitchen and mold on the bathroom ceiling but you love me every mornings and you love me every evening for some reason in our shitty little roach infested mold garden apartment

I haven’t been home in so long. Where does the time go? We seem to live so many lives with so many possibilities. We build and collect memories over years. And yet in the end we always find ourselves unsure of how we got where we are. This path leads somewhere. I can’t seem to remember where. How did I get back home? I used to know this place like the back of my hand. The heat and humidity of the Florida air is paralyzing. It can drive a person crazy. Why do you think so many people end up flipping out down here? Jumping off bridges, eating eachothers faces off, mass shootings. It’s a madhouse. And no one can escape it. Not for long. I’ve seen people try. They move off to California or Oregon, and think they are gonna make it. They all end up right back here in the swamp eventually. Even I tried getting out once or twice myself. It never took. I know this path leads to something. I wish I could remember what. Sweat drips in my eye and it stings. My vision goes blurry. Down the wooded path, drenched in shadow, I see the figure of a beast. My breath becomes short, and my heart fills with dread as I frantically try to clear my eyes. I can hear a low rolling growl, like the sounds of some ancient horror from the depths of the past. As my vision clears, the beast is gone, though the dread in my soul lingers on. I decided I should turn back. I probably just needed to rest. I’d had a long trip from

i wish you could love me when you were sober but i know that’s when you don’t want me around and i know when you say that you want me you must be swimming in drinks but that don’t mean i’m not gonna be loving you the next time you’re coming around and i know you say you’re trying to get better well i’ve been there and i’ve tried that but i always give in wish i could have loved you and stayed sober but i know i was just fooling myself it was bound to end this way somehow i wish i could be a better friend and get all this madness to end

when i wake up in the morning and you aren’t beside me my heart sinks into the floor, and it is very frightening my love i don’t wanna live with out you when i wake up in the morning and you’re wrapped around me the sweat is not enough for me to get angry cause i love you i love you my love i don’t know what i’d do with out you my love i don’t wanna live with out you i don’t wanna live with out you i don’t wanna live

don’t throw away your time for nothing lasts forever just take advantage now don’t sweat the dreary weather it’s alright to be afraid it’s ok to cry it’s not your fault the world is shot we’re not all prepared to die but take my hand (don’t be afraid) we’ll die together (someday) and we’ll try to find some pleasure on the way death, it does not scare me it has no claim on my soul it’s just the next adventure but i can see it takes it toll on you

i once thought i was ugly but you stopped me in my tracks and you looked me right dead in the eye and you said no one talks about my man like that i once thought i was handsome and it helped that you did too but once you bought your ticket out it all became old news and i thought you ought to know that i put on a real good show no one can see the pain i go through cause i never let anyone close enough to now my days are spent lonely i roam through this old house and i ponder what you’d wanna do and where you’d take me out and once i thought i heard your voice coming from behind me but it was just the blowin’ wind and the rustling of the leaves and i thought you ought to know that i put on a real good show no one can see the pain i go through cause i never let anyone close enough to i crawled into the attic rummaged through all of your old clothes they smelt of must and mildew but your scent it still came threw i curled up hot and tired in that pile that you left behind and i cried myself to sleep again like i did when you first died. and i thought you ought to know that i put on a real good show no one can see the pain i go through cause i never let anyone close enough to

We sat in front of Bailey’s, a pizza place across the street from the double decker bus that got turned into a cafe. We sat there to escape the rain; a hurricane, or something had rolled in. It was getting late, and all the leftover pizza that Bailey’s had given us was gone. Nowhere to go, we just sat there. I strummed every now and then on my guitar. There was no one else in the streets that night. I guess they were a little smarter than us. The rain was coming down hard and Dan got up, legs burnt to shit, and hobbled into the middle of the street and whipped his dick out and pissed. He came back, bandages on his legs soaked through. We all had a good laugh. “I always wanted to take a piss in the middle of this fucking road,” he said. Luis asked me if he could roll a cigarette, I dug the pouch outta my guitar bag, and took out a paper and some tobacco for myself, before tossing it to him. Mary made a hand gesture, like she wanted one, and I signaled Luis to pass it along when he was done. The cheap papers stuck to my dry lips and ripped them. I strummed a tune on my guitar and Luis hummed along. We walked down a few doors, rain still coming down in torrents, to an art gallery which had, at the moment, a collection of famous people's portraits done with bottle caps. Eventually the rain died down, and the morning was on its way quick. Most of the tobacco was gone. Luis, Mary and I parted ways with Dan and Mitch at first light - I had a bus to catch back home, and it was a little bit of a walk to the station. One of my brothers had had a baby and I’d decided it would be a good thing for me to be around. Plus, it kinda felt right to get outta town for a little while after getting arrested for squatting. We stopped at a Waffle House to eat breakfast with the last bit of our money. You could smoke inside, so we took advantage of it. The bus station was rather small. My father had paid for the ticket, so all I had to do was show my ID and pick it up. We went outside for a smoke after the man behind the desk handed me my ticket. The bus was there, and scheduled to leave in ten minutes. When we finished our cigarettes there was just enough for maybe two more and only one paper. I split the tobacco with them, but I kept the paper - they could try their luck to find one. We said farewell and they headed back to the mountain. I found a seat about halfway down the bus, on the right side. In front of me sat a man whom I had seen many times around town. His name was Tate, I think. He used to hang around sometimes with myself and others while we were busking. Kind of an annoying dude. “Yo, what’s going on?” he asked. “Hey man, how are you?” I said. “I’m good. Where you headin’?” “Back home. Jacksonville.” “Oh, yeah?” he looked around before going on, “I know a porn star…” “Yeah, yeah,” I cut him off, “Stairway told me all about her. I clean her pool or wash the dishes, and I can live in her mansion, right?” “Yeah dude. Hot girls, free food and room.” “That where you’re heading?” I asked. “Nah. Heading to Valdosta to see my mom,” he looked down, glumly, for a moment, before the bus driver's voice came over the speakers, distracting us both. We rode in silence for the rest of the trip. I had been at the bus station for about four and half hours when they finally announced that my bus was in town and nearly to the station. I had no pillow, and sleeping on the bus was a nightmare, especially with the jets of freezing cold air billowing out from the bottom of the windows. When we arrived in Savannah, where I was to transfer to another bus, Tate offered me a cigarette and I accepted. “Hey man,” he said “you hungry? I gotta extra fruit cocktail if you want it.” “Oh, damn, thanks man. I really appreciate it.” I said, eyeing the fruit cup ravenously. He was a nice guy. My bus, apparently, was delayed. They said it would be another two to three hours. I only had one rolling paper. This was a major problem. I decided that I would hold off smoking the last of my tobacco as long as I could, and just scavenge butts from the ashtrays for a while. What I really wanted was some herb, but that wasn’t gonna happen. It was fine for a little while, but time went by and I finished all the cigarette butts. I sat and read a book. There was some sort of political fiasco being reported on the televisions. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I rolled up the rest of the tobacco, making sure to get all of it. I sat out front of the station, leaning against a pillar. The sun was going down, and it was finally beginning to feel like fall. After a minute Tate came outside. “Hey Charlie, you got another paper? I got some bud.” “Fuck, man. That was my last one!” I cursed myself for smoking that stupid cigarette. “Aww, damn. Alright man.” He scuffed his foot on the ground, and went back inside. I finished the cigarette in a huff. The sun disappeared over the horizon. It would have been more beautiful under other circumstances, but right now I was just tired and wanted to be home. Wanted to sleep in a bed instead of on the ground or on the floor of a squat. But eventually the bus pulled into the greyhound station in Jacksonville. I was back. It sucked me back in like it does to everyone else. My brother and father picked me up and we got some beer and went home and talked of this and that. I slept on the floor again that night - my brother had moved into my old room.

oh the world’s not that hard, i’m just garbage well i spend my days thinking of you and so many other pointless pursuits until i find something new maybe somebody fucked up to i’ll keep writing songs for you oh the world’s not that hard, i’m just garbage well i’d like to spend my days in a forest but instead i spend my days in the workforce and i complain a lot though i never take a shot yes, i’ll just sit here and rot oh the world’s not that hard, i’m just garbage well i’m sorry to everyone that i’ve let down and i’ve certainly got a lot of apologies to hand out so maybe this next year will be better won’t have to write so many sad letters and i’ll forget about you and i’ll quit drinking too perhaps i’ll give it a shot take a shower, chop off the mop or maybe not? oh the world’s not that hard, i’m just garbage